I got a call today.
It might be one of those life changing calls, but I'm not sure yet.
Forgive me for being vague, but I'm still processing, still thinking through. Still praying.
Or maybe, am I just starting?
Of course I've been praying. I started when I put applications out. "Dear Lord, I'm desperate here! Please guide me." Then the waiting kicked in. And the prayers, well, I thought I kept praying them, but I think I stopped. God was in control, wasn't he? I didn't have to be responsible for the plan, right? So I prayed for help and left it in His hands. Wasn't that what I was meant to do?
But today, when I got that call, I started praying again. And that's when I realized I stopped. Why?
Because I thought God was Too Big to be concerned with the everyday minutiae of my life. He is Big Enough for the life changing things, this I do know. But strength for the day? Isn't that too small a task for God? Doesn't He have better things to do?
I have such trouble finding the balance between a "fuzzy" personal God who loves me deeply for me, for the person he's created me to be, and a powerful ruler of the Universe with the plans of millions in His hands. The balance between a God of grace and love, and a God of justice. (And yes, I did just finish reading "The Priest's Graveyard" by Ted Dekker. Why do you ask?)
I know He is Big and Mighty.
But sometimes, and maybe just to me, He feels too big.
And I'm not sure what to do with that.