Thursday, February 10, 2011

When words are my enemy

I love words. If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time or know me at all, you know I love words. I usually like them best when they are carefully placed, properly punctuated and bound in leather, but I love words in all of their manifestations. Heck, I like reading the dictionary. It is fun and you never know when you are going to come across a new word you can intersperse into every day life. (The mocking can happen later, ok? Thanks.)
However, over the past year there are a few words that have become distasteful to me. I try not to use them at all, but if I must use them, I hesitate and do a lot of thinking before I do so.
The words?

"Suicide" and "dead."

(Actually, any variation on the word dead makes me go cold.)

I've had to use "dead" a lot this past week. I don't like it. I try to sanitize it by saying "lost" or "gone." But in my head, I still feel the emptiness of the word. Dead. Gone. Mostly I don't like it because of the grief it brings to the front of my mind. It has been almost a year, and I don't miss J. any less. The shock of it all still puts a lump in my throat and an empty space in my heart.
And I am reminded that life must go on. Life is, after all, meant for living. And while my heart cries for the life that was lost, I force myself to remember that death has an amazing epilogue. And though it doesn't make the pain go away, it makes it easier to bear.


sharon said...

I just heard this last week: If life is like standing in line to go into Disney (heaven) and the owner (God) goes to the guy in the back of the line and says "You're hot and tired of standing here, why not come with me?" and then takes the fellow at the back of the line straight into the Magic Kingdom (heaven) ahead of all the rest....
Don't the other people in line say "Lucky guy", "wish he had picked me" etc? Maybe if we see death more on those lines some of the sorry will be gone and we can rejoice just a bit more as we continue to stand in line.
"Let not your hearts be troubled." - Jesus

Sarah said...

Oh, Honey Girl.
If you want to tell stories about J, I'm here to listen.
(I'm so sorry if I'm too late to the party and am dredging up old memories you'd rather not be thinking of right now.)
Love you.