Not so lazy Sunday

Forgive me, dear readers. I have intentionally not updated you on the move that happened this weekend. I couldn't. I promise I tried, though. I had the 'new post' tab opened all day yesterday and a little bit Friday night. But every time I went to start a post, I got scared. Like somehow if I did post about the move and my spacious apartment, it would make it far too real for me. As I was sitting on my love seat this morning, drinking my coffee, I thought that it would be okay to blog about everything now. I'm not sure what kind of difference a day or two makes, but I guess in my head it mattered.

Today is the second full day I've spent in my new apartment! Friday we moved up and CLEANED! Unfortunately, the place wasn't cleaned properly/at all. Dad, Mom, Meagan and I spent almost the entire day (11am-9pm) cleaning. Some of that was used for unloading boxes and furniture, but most of it was for cleaning. Mom, Sonya and my cousin, Christi came up on Saturday to do some more cleaning and organizing. We made a trip to Walmart to pick up some more stuff for the place. I will probably make another trip out once I get my first paycheck. I need a lamp for the living room and possibly one for the dinning room too.
I went to Christ Evangelical Lutheran Church this morning. It's two blocks from my apartment so it's a lovely walk first thing in the morning. It is far more traditional than what I'm used to back at Fleetwood. I'm not sure if I'll keep attending or not. I will be home for 3 Sundays in June, so I have some time to do some research on other churches in the area.

I think I have plans for tomorrow that do NOT include me sitting in my apartment all day--YAY! Today, though, I think I will spend some time inside cleaning a little, doing some work for an online workshop on archives to prepare me for my internship, and maybe do a little reading for fun. It has been so long since I've been able to read for fun! I've been reading a book of letters by C. S. Lewis and I'm anxious to be done with it because I received a 2 volume set of all his letters for graduation that I want to read! I know I know, very exciting! Ha! I'm getting into his "Christian" letters now where he discusses theology and points of Christian living and developing a personal relationship with Christ with some of his fans. It is very insightful. I am always careful not to accept everything he says without actually thinking it through, but the more I think critically about what he has to say about our response to the forgiveness of sin and building a relationship with Christ, the more I understand that what he has to say is biblical and worded in such a way that it makes more sense to me. I think if I ever get around to reading for fun on a regular basis (the first book I read will either be Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman or The Bride Collector by Ted DekKer, by the way), I might start a book blog. Hmm... we'll see.

Going to change into some clothes for cleaning. Bathroom floor, I will conquer you!

Graduation, packing, and the two-week itch

Graduation went off without a hitch. Very possibly the most nerve-wracking day of my very short life, but pretty enjoyable. I was student commencement speaker and only had one tiny mistake in my speech. I deny people's praise and commendations, but honestly, I am very proud of my speech. I didn't realize it until I was on the platform looking out over a practically packed Sovereign Center, but I very quickly discovered that this was a special honor and I had every right to be proud of myself. I wish now that I could remember more than the fear and the nervousness I felt that day. Most of my speech in my memory is a haze of words. I suppose I would get very prideful if I could remember any more than the nerves.

Almost as soon as the diploma holder was in my hand (since, among other reasons, my grades STILL weren't in by graduation or even a week after graduation...), I found myself packing up my belongings. Packing up? Going where? Gettysburg. I got a year long internship at the college library. I got the phone call that said, "We want YOU!" Sometime between the funeral, Easter, and final papers coming due. I've had very little time to be super excited about this, but I promise I am. What's really been hard is the two weeks.Two weeks, almost to the day after graduation, I will be moved into my apartment. Does that seem fast to anyone else?!?! Whenever I have big changes or moves in life (remember London?), I have this two week crisis. I decide that I don't need to change, move, or otherwise disrupt my comfortable life to do something new and adventurous. I didn't have that this time, perhaps for the good.

However, I've had days where I wake up late and have zero motivation to pack. Absolutely none. Those days I hate. But I'm running out of those days, and even good packing days. Tomorrow is my last day. My last day to get all the important things, clothes, books and such into a box. And it's hard to do to that. For 22 years, I've never had to move anything. I still have notes from high school packed away somewhere, stuffed animals I don't miss, and playbills from my shows and friend's shows. Now, in two weeks, it is getting packed up.

New experiences are not all bad, of course. In fact C. S. Lewis thought that all experiences were valuable. He said of a temporary post in the philosophy department at Trinity College:

"It's poorly paid and temporary...but it better to be inside than out, and it is always a beginning. The experience should be valuable."

So tomorrow, I'll pack more boxes, prepare myself for the next adventure in my life. And, if nothing else, the experience will be valuable...

finally friday

It's here.
The very last day of undergraduate study. One final stands between me and graduation. Is it just me or did this day seem like a fantasy four years ago? The mythical day at the end of four years of study that, in the moment, felt like it would kill me and THEN go to work on me. I never thought it would end.
I've been slightly emotional this week. A few different reasons for that, some of which have nothing to do with graduation. But mostly, I've been thinking about the friends I've made, the relationships I've worked on and how in a little more than 24 hours I might never see some of those people again. It's sad and depressing. I didn't have to go through the separation when I started college; it's one of the perks of staying local. I had a taste of it when I got back from London. I miss Rachel at least 5 times every day. I can't even imagine multiplying that to cover all the friends I made in the library and the Learning Center over the years, not to mention theater friends, classmates and club members. Saying goodbye is one of my least favourite things to do these days.
And of course, I can't make it through graduation without thinking of J. He was graduating from high school this year. He was going to go to college in the fall and have his own set of scary and exciting college experiences. Maybe it shouldn't, but it hurts me to know he doesn't have that chance. It hurts me to think of his parents and how they won't get to see him graduate. It still hurts, and it makes me wonder if it will ever NOT hurt.
If I know you and don't live with you, don't be surprised if I don't say "goodbye" after graduation. I can't. I'll probably say "See you later" because I need to believe I will see you again. Perhaps a bit dramatic and romantic, but hey! I'm an English major. It's how I do things.
One good thing about all of this is soon I won't have to fight for a parking space at school! That gets rid of about 50% of my daily stress!

Fresh bouquets of pencils and a graduation gown

Yesterday, as I was sharpening pencils for the Learning Center, I got a giddy feeling in my heart. Like I do in the fall when I get to buy school supplies. This invariably leads me to think of that scene in You've Got Mail when Tom Hank's character says, "Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me wanna buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils..." So, as I'm standing by the pencil sharpener blissfully sharpening pencils, I quietly laugh and say, "Bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils!" The girl at the desk look at me funny and said, "Uh, did you say something?" I smiled and shook my head no. It was okay if no one else understood. It was for me and, in that moment, I was happy.

I'm having one of those moments right now. I'm working on my speech for graduation tonight. (And can I just say...WHAT WAS I THINKING?!? Sure, it's a great honor, but on top of my other papers, I have to worry about this thing...ugh. Darn me and my over-achiever tendencies!)But every now and then, I look over my shoulder to my closet. Hanging on the door is my graduation gown with my honor cords draped around the hanger. Every time I look at it, I get these little butterflies in my stomach. Not the butterflies like before a date butterflies or nervous butterflies. No, these are excited butterflies.And maybe, there are a few fear butterflies mixed in with the excited ones. That's okay. I seem to remember those fear butterflies from, oh, about four years ago when I first started classes at Alvernia. They seem silly now. Just as I know these little fear butterflies will seem silly when I graduate from my Master's program--whenever that happens!

Faith in Crisis

"You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth of falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover how much you really trusted it? "
--C.S. Lewis "A Grief Observed"

I love the words to "In Christ Alone." I cling to the line that says "No power of hell, no scheme of man can ever pluck me from His hand," because of its promise to me. Today I heard it and wept because of the promise it meant for someone else. For him, it means that the poisoned words that satan tried to get him to believe cannot keep him from God. It means satan didn't win in the end. Though this was a very encouraging thought, it saddened me. Why couldn't he have understood the Love of Christ better? He knew, surely, that God was with him always. But then, maybe this is the wrong question. I still question, wrongly, if I could have done more. I know the answer. Knowing the answer doesn't make my heart hurt any less.
So today I saw him in heaven where he knows no separation from the Father and the Son who died for all of his sins. And that glimmer is going to have to be enough for me.
At least until God calls me home.

As time goes by

Well, another year has almost passed. That infernal timepiece that doesn't stop until God allows it to is still ticking for me. I'm still waiting for my "what I want to be when I grow up" to kick in. I think I might revert back to what I wanted to be when I was a child: a nurse and a truck driver.
Sometimes it seems like I haven't grown at all. I was looking through my journal and note that I still struggle with the same things. But I also noticed that some of the issues I found monumental were so very childish. I like that I can see the difference now. I like the way that I relate to people now. I was always so aware of my own pains and problems. They were so very childish. But I find that the lessons I've learned from those hurts makes it possible for me to minister to others in a very special and unique way.
My future is still uncertain. Due to my fear and abhorrence of needles, I will probably never become a nurse. Due to my lack of depth perception, I would make a really horrible truck driver (coz I wouldn't be able to back up to a dock properly). I'm not done having problems in life, but they don't seem as insurmountable now. Like the song says, "It's still the same old story...as time goes by." Some things change. But others...oh, they are the fundamentals. I still love coffee. (I secretly pray I never have to give it up. Ever. If I ever have children, they will be java junkies from birth.) The smell of books is almost better than flowers to me. I would rather own more books than clothes...but not shoes! I have a God who watches over me, even (and especially) when I'm faithless. His love for me never ends and there is nothing I can do to change that. When I remember He is the one that invented time and everything that goes with it, I don't mind that I don't know what I'll be when I grow up. I don't mind because I know that He knows. He knows coz it's what He has purposed for me.
And I like the idea of having a purpose.

Where do the years go?

Children grow up. All of you adults are laughing at me now saying, "Uh, yeah well, that IS the point. And it's about time, too!" And I know. It's the way life is supposed to work. It doesn't mean I have to like it!
Over the past week or two, I've been noticing people more. Noticing that maybe I have more friends than I had previously thought, that those silly youth group kids weren't dorky awkward freshmen anymore, but seniors soon graduating. I'm noticing that infants and toddlers grow in leaps and bounds in WEEKS! I swear the little girl I babysit gets bigger week to week! She is holding her head up more and is more alert. It's so amazing to watch! See? I know not all growth is bad!
But there are moments when the years catch up with you, and when they do, they hit you hard. At our Good Friday service at church, we have a large cross in the front of the church. At the end of the service, we nail our testimony cards to it to remind us that Jesus took our nails and the punishment that was ours by right. At the start of service, two men carry a ladder in and a third climbs up to nail the sign at the top of the cross. Anyway, this year a member of the youth group and a member of the young adult group carried in the ladder. It doesn't sound like much, but it shocked me. That was a MAN'S job. Like, a grown up man's job. In my eyes, they were still boys. "When did they grow up?" I asked myself. Last week. Last week they grew up. When they carried their friend's casket to the front of the church. That is the moment they grew up. And I mourn their passing into adult hood, because I didn't even notice.
As the years continue to come and go, I realize how quickly they pass. Again, you parents will moan and say I'm talking crazy, but that's the way it is. I was reminded tonight that I am a bit older than the youth group members. Wait, am I? Didn't I just graduate high school? Are you sure I'm a college senior? Am I really five years older than these kids, I mean, young people? Where did the years go? I think I didn't notice they were gone because I still hold so many of my "little girl" insecurities. But maybe, it's better this way. Not noticing the years pass because I know I still have flaws keeps me from thinking I'm better than people. I like that I fit in with the youth group when I can, or adults when I need to. I guess it's really the best of both worlds.